Ah, Euphoria Morning by Chris Cornell....I remember the first time I listened to this album when it first came out. I was going through a rough time, and I listened to this album again and again by myself. I had put my self in a bit of seclusion as I tried to figured myself out. I eventually found some enlightenment within myself, unfortunately my enlightenment resulted in a new found confidence that I viewed as power.
I embraced this and it made me become a bit of a pretentious prick. I was still an overall good guy, but instead of becoming a better person, I started to view myself as better than others. Little did I realize that I learned very little about myself, I just learned how to better work the system. I had quite of bit of good luck with the superficial part of meeting ladies. Unfortunately, my naive romantic side was bound to catch up with me. It did, a few times. I thought I could be some kind of ladies man while also being a bit of a romantic. This always ended up one of two ways. Pain for me or pain for someone else.
Eventually, this delusional world I lived in caught up with me. I immersed myself in multiple unhealthy relationships which inevitably ended with me getting hurt. I either put girls on a pedestal or i looked down on them. Neither are a healthy way to approach any relationship with anyone.
I got caught in a cycle of self destruction as a result of my refusal to find a balance. It was always all or nothing for me. There was no healthy middle ground. I eventually turned to parting to hide from my emotions rather than learn how to deal with them.
I had so many chances to move my life in a positive direction with many positive people surrounding me. People who seemed to see something in me that I did not. Now I've lost many of those people. Some of them are still in my life separated only by distance...others separated by something much greater.
Oddly, for all my selfishness throughout the years I still forgot to take care of myself. Probably, one the the biggest obstacles to my happiness.
Now I'm finally moving in a positive direction, but I fear I've lost my ability to truly feel. I'm not even sure I still have the ability to fall in love. Throughout everything I always tried to keep an open heart. I always tried to empathize with others' plights. I suppose I still do to a certain extent, but I catch myself being much more judgmental nowadays.
I now have begun to realize many of the mistakes made in my past, particularly those involving relationships. I just don't know if I can overcome my fear of making the same mistakes long enough to feel again. I just hope I haven't lost that part of me.
